Saturday, 30 May 2009


I've been busy
and had bad news

units are off the scale

will try to pull it back soon

give me enough rope....

Wednesday, 20 May 2009

Quick update

Sat - 2 Guiness in the early morning (c.f. laste post)

plus 2 pints Guinness in the pub after work

Sunday - bought 4 cans of Carlsberg - drank 1 and half cans - weak taste no effect

Monday - lots of cleaning - brought my PC into the lounge - brighter place - all part of the behavior modification - fell asleep on the couch watching Inspector Gently - you must watch this series. Drank the other 2 cans - not sure why they tasted shite and did nothing alcohol wise.

That's episode one - there are 2 more

Tues - off to see my counsellor - we did a count - 17 units - down from 25 last week.
Now if you consider my old intake was 4xspecial brew a NIGHT - that was 18 units every night.
I think that is a result.

Today - a good day workwise but not so good unit wise - 2 x Tennants - 4 units each - so I need to pace myself for next Tuesday. Caught up with my counsellor - another good session - decided to make the next appointment 2 weeks. Stretch it out a bit.

Have sorted repeat presciption of the happy pills - hope I can get an appointment on friday to share my blood test results.

Busy day tomorrow - pershore and then gloucester

and now to bed (and not falling asleep on the couch like last night)

mog - can u drop me a message on facebook to say whether I can call you?

Friday, 15 May 2009

It's a hat-trick (almost)

(Clicking on the piccie will give you a readable version - classic advertising)
As it sit writing this I am a little under 30 minutes away from Saturday which means I've strung 3 dry days together. Strung is an apposite word, as at the moment after a full on tidy up day and a night in a very quiet off licence (albeit doing battle with Photoshop to produce some 'give us some more money ya tight customer' type flyers) I must confess that the 2 cans of draught Guinness (4.1%) 2.2 units per can sat next to the chilling Guinness glass in the fridge are likely to "go down singing hymns!" - you know I love that phrase and only 16 sites on Google use it - I now wonder were I picked it up and maybe now understand why people give me strange looks whenever I use it.

The aforementioned "Liffey water" - yes I now they don't use it I'm just waxing lyrically to fill the time before I can drink the stuff be'jesus - will be consumed at a gentle pace commencing 12:00:01 Saturday 16th May.

Oh better take my happy pill - they have stablised especially over the last few days - will be interesting to see the difference after a couple of beers. I am trying to get back into the Doctors on Monday - hey Julie fancy playing telephone tag again? So hopefully I will get my blood test results then.

So at 3 minutes and counting this seems appropriate.

Well it killed 50 seconds anyway so have this one as well

Yey - 3 days - tick did indeed follow tock.

*psssssht* *gentle pour* A toast to absent friends and you lot for providing support via the comments and facebook. *a tentative sip* *slurp moustache*
Yep that tastes good. Actually it tastes marvellous - I can't remember the last time I really appreciated the taste of a beer (apart from the occasional exceptional real ale) - a part of me is feeling gulity that I didn't try for 4 days - still one step at a time eh?

I'm gonna play some poker...

Oh if your wondering the posting time (23:29) is when I started the post not the time of posting.

Update : 38 minutes of Guinness lovelyness and I'm feeling a bit squiffy - gonna risk the 2nd

Thursday, 14 May 2009

Thursday Night Poker....

First off Wednesday - was as planned a dry day - what wasn't planned was an upset stomach that meant I was either in-disposed or sleeping. I wonder whether it was a bug, food poisoning from a dodgy 'on-date' sandwich in Evesham on Tuesday or my body going into auto-detox mode - either way it worked.

Left the house once to get some plain boiled rice from the Chippy - then spent the night not really sleeping - that's what happens when you snooze all day and don't have the Alcohol cosh to get you asleep.

So today - finally - off to Gloucester - with the router. Got that sorted after a lot of dicking about (this is a technical term) - and have almost got the DVD replicator sorted as well - call from support tomorrow should explain why it is printing off center by a country mile.

Now I sit writing this - really really fancying a can of beer and I have 9 mins until the offy closes - and you know what - I'm not gonna buy any - 2 days dry. I could have gone to real life poker but I didn't because I would have had even more compulsion to drink - I'm not saying the guys would have forced it on me - but you know...

So it's nearly 48 hours since the last taste of beer and I'm gonna go for 3 days. Tomorrow is a day in the off licence - so kid in the sweety store syndrome kicks in - on that front I am now banned from buying beer on tick - of my own asking I should add.

*DING DONG* Last orders at the offy have passed - so it's official - 2 dry days

Now Sim-O asked a series of questions in the last post's comments

Could I ask you to get a bit more personal?

In a previous post, you said you left a router at home for a job and so went to the pub. What was you thoughts or reasons for going to the pub?
Or today, you had two beers. Did you want more, how difficult was it (or not) to resist having more?
You say tomorrow will be dry and you're going to try to string your dry days together, but what is making you decide that tomorrow is going to be dry? What sort of things would stop it being dry and make you want drink?
The reasons for going to the pub are two-fold

a) I was pissed off that I had let a good customer down (again)
b) I had money in my pocket - and wanted to chat to some one - the pub I frequent is full of friends - the staff all know me and what I am trying to achieve - and all of them respect it. I suspect that one or many of the regulars could do with trying to do the same thing themselves. I needed to go somewhere that I wouldn't be judged for having a beer.
c) It is a chemical booby pillow - if i had headed straight back home I would have probably thought feck it - I'm gonna buy 4 cans of super strength and finish the day off that way. Those feelings are getting less and less every day. The economics of drinking in the pub come in as well - every pint in there is the monetery equivalent of 2 cans of beer.

Two beers seemed to be the "take the edge off it" dose that day. As to why a dry day yesterday and today - because I need to take the edge off my needing to drink, and not drinking is the best way to do that. Since I started this post - the chance of me breaking today has past - and now I'm not bothered.

To explain - an average day before trying to dry out

Wake up late
Check what I have to do, how much it's gonna cost (travel via public transport) and then divy up the remainder to see how much beer I could drink that night. That voice stays with me all day - should I buy a sandwich - no i've got food in the freezer and it would cost a can of beer.
Should I buy a return - no take a chance that you will get a lift back home - another can of beer saved.
That was my unit of currency - £1.50 would buy me 4.5 units of beer


Wake up late - come on I was poorly yesterday
Leave house with enough money to get to Gloucester plus £3 for some food
Spend money on food
Get to Gloucester and back - have money here to buy beer - but don't.
Not that I wasn't tempted
Sit back and feel good that I've done two dry days and maybe tomorrow will be a third.
A journey of a thousand thirsty days starts with two!

What will be stop me from being dry?
Weakness. Plain and simple.
I don't deny that I'm gonna miss having a beer - but hopefully it will lessen with time.
They say time is a great healer - it's another empirical measure that I can understand.

Thanks for asking Sim-O

Oh as an aside - I missed my doctors appt today - thought it was next week - duh - will ring and rebook tomorow. So no idea on the blood test as of yet - maybe they will tell me over the phone.

Tuesday, 12 May 2009

Today has been fortuitous

Today I had planned to do a job (yes the one I put off) in Evesham and then head straight over to Gloucester to do the other job I had put off (an aside here - I know the people in Gloucester have found this blog and your concern for my well being is very much appreciated), any how.

Headed out of the flat (via the toilet window - again - I've got bruises up my legs from that) and decided I should check my mail. I don't get mail delivered to the flat because it's in a weird location and so I have to pick it up from the local Post Office. There I found that I can vote in the Euro Election - hmmmm and a letter from Worcester Community Alcohol Team (CAT). Great I thought - when do they want to see me, oh 3.30pm today (the letter was dated 7 days ago - guess I should check my mail drop more often).

So off to Evesham - as it happens the job over ran so I would never made it to Gloucester in time anyway - to meet a very interesting man and learn about his wife who was giving evidence at The House of Commons - I won't say anymore than that but it was on a subject close to my heart and I think I may have made an interesting contact, politically speaking.

Back to Worcester and off to CAT. Met with my counsellor who is a very lovely lady, and like my new found Doctor, made me feel as though she really did give a damn.

We chatted for an hour - she asked some very interesting questions that really made me think before I answered and after an hour I honestly think that she will be a great help.

Some of the time was spent with her asking me about my life from school days to present - she interjected from time to time and to be honest we spent a lot of the time having a great giggle and swapping anecdotes. She seemed genuinely interested in the idea of me writing a blog, and as I explained to her I think maybe there could be a side site to help other people like me. She is just another part in the list of people that I will feel to have let down if I don't follow this through. The list goes like this

1) Me - If I mess up then it is down to me and me alone
2) Family - The support from them is incredibly important, it sometimes takes something like this to make you realise that even though you are 150 miles away (or in some cases half way across the globe - luv U nik x), you still love them and hell do they love you.
3) Friends - I received many private messages - some harsh but loving and supportive but all welcome - and I know I am under the watchful eye.
4) Internet Friends - some old - some new - some scathing - some supportive - but I have opened an eye into my life and I will be honest with you in the good and the bad
5) Random visitors here - I do really hope that by keeping this blog I may help even one person to be honest with them self and say I think I need help then drop me line - via comments (mark it as not for publication) or however else you need to contact me - I have some other ideas that I will outline once I've got them sorted in my head for a new website and written the code.
6) My Counsellor - I should say that this list is not in any order of importance - but I am very aware that letting down a paid professional is a waste of resources that could be better used.

I will not let any of you down, I now have over 1000 visitors to this site (thanks Tim) - some will come back on a regular basis, some will never visit again. I have family members who are checking it for every new update (and of course calling me and in time visiting my flat once I finish the clean up). And I have a commitment to every single one of you to do this, and as I said last post, it is a weight on my mind far more powerful than relying on my own conscience to do the right thing. It's like having a small swarm of Jimminy Crickets constantly chirruping in my ear and that is a good thing, and I really do thank all of you for that.

Back to the session, drinkers of Stella - you are more likely to crave Stella then next day than any other 5% (or 4%) beer - drink something else (Source - anecdotal clinical evidence)
Drinkers of Special Brew (and I knew this already) - SB once contained Valerian and some point that was removed (an EU edict I think) and replaced with a chemical equivalent that was more addictive than Valerian - that is why the only way to get through a SB hangover is to drink more SB.

At the end of the session it became obvious that I don't need a higher power - I do need empirical evidence - so last week came to 25 units (even with the blip) and when I get the blood test result through I'll have another baseline to work against. I like numbers - more objective than subjective.

Aims for the next 7 days - further reduction in units and try to string my dry days together (2 at a time for now) but working up. I've signed up for 6 sessions - this could be weekly (next one is) but it is a movable target as me and MC (my counsellor - I feel it would be wrong to use her name) agree on the periods between meetings.

For the record - today 1 pint of Veltins Shandy (yes really) and a can of Tyskie (5%) whilst writing this. Tomorrow will be dry.

Oh and came back to the flat and entered via the door - which was nice ;-) - landlord has me on a week notice for full flat inspection - time to get crushing those cans...

Oh yeah it's video time - I'm guessing that a large number of people could answer yes to 4 of these questions. I also think that it is total bullsh*t - but enjoy it anyway (tho if you need a drink to start the day then get some help - I never did so nerrrrr!)

The promised long post

I got home ready tonight to get that post into shape - but it doesn't matter

Craig has posted something about me that doesn't make sense

It's great that Craig can drink and then stop

It's fine that Harry can espouse in the comments about a higher purpose or whichever deity he wishes

It's not me

Thursday was a bad day - I set out to Gloucester - got half way to the train station and realised I didn't have the router I needed. I'd left it at home.

It was a stupid mistake - but it hit home hard - I switched my phone off and went to the pub.

I had 3 pints and then went to poker - another 3 cans of stella

Not great - but could have been far worse - a blip

but i felt that I had let myself and you lot down. It's an odd feeling - one that I'm going to have to get use to - i guess.

To Craig - addiction is a reality - I'm happy that you don't get it
To Dolly - a normal 9-5 job is something I actually aspire to - but give me sometime
To Allan - I hear you mate - but your sleep deprevation will lead you to so much happiness (that I sometimes envy)

Since we last spoke - I've drank about 8 pints - this is still less than my old consumption - the uppers (the happy pills) need reigning in a bit still.

I'm working on it - but please people - don't judge me from a lofty position - if I still have one thing in me (which I will take to the grave) - it is the fact that I am still my own man - dealing with it from my own perspective. I enjoy reading your opinions - but don't expect me to agree everytime.

Now if any of you have some time on your hands - give Tim a helping hand. I already have.

Saturday, 9 May 2009

Quick Update


Last few days haven't been ideal - I'm working on a longer post that I hope to post tomorrow evening - partly in response to an interesting post by Craig Murray and the debate that it has caused. Pop over and add your 2 penneth worth - I'd be interested to hear you views.

And also addressing some of the comments I've received.

Oh and thanks to Blogmonkey for the link - cheers mate.

The page impressions ticked over 1000 views at some point yesterday which is a sobering (I know) thought. The fact that so many of you will be tracking my progress will no doubt steel me later on but at the moment it is making it a bit weird, that and the fact that my body clock has gone completely haywire. Got to be up at 7am tomorrow so gonna call it a night.

Friday, 8 May 2009

Don't worry...

I'm still about but will do a catch-up post tomorrow evening - gonna grab some supper and then hit the sack.

Thanks to Tim @Bloggerheads for the link in - and to everyone who continue to leave messages of support.

Thursday, 7 May 2009

Wed. 06/05/09

Bit of a non starter today - far to late to bed last night and so

Got up too late to go to Pershore - so went to work at 6 till 9

Got home to find the lock on my door was broken - had to visit landlord who managed to climb in via bathroom window (not an easy way in to the flat - i think he was injured) - only way out tomorrow is the loo window - i have to be up at 8 tomorrow but I'm really not sleepy so it's looking like I blow out the early job in Evesham and go straight to Gloucester.

On the plus side - no beer tonight - thought at the moment it's looking difficult to see that as a plus...

Tonights video - that I still have the single somewhere tho not by the Dubliners - is ...

Tuesday, 5 May 2009

Tues. 05/05/09

Off to the Drs this morning to give up some blood for testing - this will provide with me a base line by which to monitor the physical rejuvination of my internals to go with the psychological rejuvination of the old grey matter, then off to Pershore for more server rejuvination (that's got to be a record for use of the word rejuvination in any one web page on the internet!).

Things are looking good in Pershore - the team seem to be taking to the new system and I now have a backup system where by they write something to the server - which is copied to another drive - which every 15 minutes is copied to another drive and then backed up every night - there is a technical term for this approach known as "covering ones own a*se". TM

Got a lift with one of the partners back to Worcester who had an hour to kill whilst his youngest was at choir practice so off to the Plough - first visit to said venue since I started this - for 1.5 pints of Veltins (about 5%).

Made contact with the guy running a new Birmingham based website (video below) - and offered my services (albeit for a glass of lemonade and a bag of twiglets) - some times you have to get in on the ground level! (Site link should be read after watching video below).

Now to some lightly seared dead cow and salad for supper.

Spoke to Ma&Pa and Julie - And you know what - Bob Hoskins was right!

So without further ado - my new possibly business partner...

Oh and Dolly Daydream - can you please let me know who you are via comments (i'll not publish it if you request but I'm fascinated) and Ged If it's you dropping in from the Port - let me know - private message on Facebook is cool.

Keep commenting people - it's keeping me going!

Monday, 4 May 2009

Mon. 04/05/09

Bit of a crappy day really - got a bit done around the flat before work - but have the sniffles and a sore throat - could be hayfever kicking in. On the up side the pills aren't causing me any problems at the mo.

Off to work for possibly the slowest Bank Holiday Monday ever and then back home via the Chippy for a pick-me-up tray of chips and mushy peas - snack of kings! Although the 15 minutes wait was a bit much!

Got home to find flat in darkness - knew I meant to do something on the way in this morning - so back out to top up my leccy meter. Two hours - give or take - after leaving work I finally got home proper. And so succumbed to 1 of the 2 Stella (4%) in the fridge - the other may or may not got the same way...

Pershore tomorrow after the Docs for bloodtests. Must remember to put out recycling in the morning.

Todays vid (I'm only doing this to tempt those who have signed up via RSS to pop by from time to time!) is possibly one of the finest animations I have ever seen - I can't comprehend just how they did this. Enjoy...

Sun. 04/05/09

Bit of a lazy day sadly - late up and then round to Matt and Mandys for yummy roast dinner - cheers guys yet again.

I seem to have spent the day suffering from a hangover - which I guess is a good sign so no beer today but not much done in the flat - still tomorrow is an almost free day (few hours in the shop) so hopefully will get some more tidying done.

Today's video is um, quite special - you ain't going to expect where it goes ;-)

Sunday, 3 May 2009

Sat 02/05/09

Very late night last night - 5am to bed so when woken by phone call @11:30 was a bit groggy - tho no beer the night before meant I didn't go back to sleep - spent the day tidying. And then I has a snooze.

Off to Mandy's birthday party (6x Stellla 4%) and a glass of punch (erm vodka, schnapps and juice) - lot of support tonight - some very earnest conversations - it's bolstered me further.

I'm going to move to a different scale next week, based on rationing myself on units of alcohol - I'm thinking that will focus me more on when I do and don't drink - I'm going to move my drinking to a pleasure rather than a need.

And finally - a tune - not cats - no silly DUI - just a song I like with an ace video by NemoSandman...

Saturday, 2 May 2009

Thur. 30/4/09 & Fri. 1/5/09

Sorry for anyone wondering where the daily updates went - Thursday was a long day as was Friday so here is the quick round up.

Went to Dr's Thursday morning, Dr happy with my progress and like my new haircut. I requested a liver function test and will be giving blood on Tuesday. Spent the rest of the day in Gloucester and then went straight to poker night (4 x stella - usually 6 or 8). Got home past midnight and hence no update.

Friday up and about early - was due in Pershore but given day off (cheers Paul) so got some more spring cleaning done - off to work at 5 till 11 and then back home for some serious poker playing - got to bed about 4am (no drinks).

Time now for some brunch and more can crushing - off to a party tonight so todays update will probably roll over into tomorrows.

Oh heard from the NHS alcohol team via letter - I'm on the waiting list...

Wednesday, 29 April 2009

Wed. 29/04/09

Another busy day sorting out the errant server but starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Feeling a lot better today - little bit of nausea but seems to be dropping off a bit. 1 pint of stella when I got home and I have succumbed to the can in the fridge (4% stella) - early night planned - Doctors at 9am and then got to go to Gloucester.

Had a great chat with Sam (who is a trained psychiatric nurse dealing with people with similar problems) who had given me some pointers for tomorrow - thanks mate.

I saw this a long while ago, but it still makes me giggle...

Tuesday, 28 April 2009

Tues. 28/04/09

Well posting the website on an online forum I inhabit (b3ta - warning not for those easily offended) produced 182 visitors today, some welcome positive contents both here and on the thread and 2 new followers - all good - the more people watching the less likely I am to stray.

As I said last night - took the happy pill late last night and this seems to the best course of action - felt a bit woozy, still a bit sickly and still getting flushes up until about 10am (I was out of the house by 9am) so I'm going to run with that. Oh I forgot to mention, another side-effect of the medication is anxiety - this has made me jumpy when the phone rings and I am not expecting it which I am finding quite comical as it goes, another one which will pass.

Spent a productive day at work working on the server which was part of the reason I lost it (there is a back story there which I will write up after speaking to the owner), and everybody loves my new hair style.

"Ten years younger" is a phrase been used several times though I'm yet to work out whether they mean I now look 28 or that I looked 48 before then...

Although the group of lads on Sunday afternoon walking up the High Street who pointed and shouted "Look it's Frank_Gallagher" makes me suspect the latter. (see above)

Often known to make a fool out of himself and shirk all responsibility ... When he was rendered completely sober by a new drug, Frank appeared reflective and even quite intelligent, wondering why Sheila would add to her problems by marrying a mess like him.
Quote from Wikipedia that hits home quite a lot.

So todays units - 1 pint Guinness (hour to kill before bus) and 1 pint Stella (met some friends in pub when got back - invited back for Chinese and more beer - declined).

No beer in the house, so some food, a bath, a happy pill and bed seems in order.

Oh and just reading back the introduction - I realised I'd missed a big Thank You to my Sister and her hubby for making the trek down to spend some time on Thursday night last week and coming with me to the Doctor on Friday. It helped loads.

And finally, I ask you all to spare a thought for kittens with drink problems...

Keep commenting - (yes even you Allan ;-) although be warned I still have the pictures from the France school trip) - It does keep my spirits (no, not that sort) up.

Tech post

my posting times are wrong - just off to the settings to fix it

Edit - done - now sleep

Tues. 28/04/09

Okay - I'm still awake so I'm going to try happy pill before I go to bed

I'll let you know later how it went

I hope to be asleep before it kicks in.

Monday, 27 April 2009

Mon. 27/04/09

Well the late night poker went well (112th out of about 2000 players) - won a whole 20c (about 14p) and finally dropped off to sleep - woke around 11 (took happy pill) and did some tidying, and found my phone and £2.30 (bonus!).

Happy pill made me feel sick (again), gave me hot flushes and still leaves me feeling 'disengaged' - It's not an entirely unpleasant feeling but I realised it more when I got to the shop at 5pm. Have also been feeling a bit jumpy (anxiety is a side effect) so whenever the phone rings I jump - this will pass I'm sure.

Went for one at the pub on the way home - general consensus is haircut has taken years off me. Left pub after 2 beers (me bad) - and deposited half of pint down drain on the way to the bus. Maybe link between beer and nausea - so back home after picking up second load of clean clothes from friends' house (cheers M&M). Have beer in the fridge but have not opened it. A good sign.

Full day tommorrow - over at the other job and maybe a PC job Wednesday and Gloucester Thursday to do some work on a server. Oh and I'm doing an interview via e-mail for a UK national computer mag - more details once I know myself (not about this blog but something else I got involved in last year)

So units are dropping - I am considering May 1st as dry day - for several reasons. We will see how it goes over the next 2 days.

And finally (imagine that last bit in the voice of Trevor McDoughnut)
as someone who does battle with computer bugs on a regular basis I give you my nemesis....

Technical Aside : I'm switching off anonymous blocking - I've had messages that people would like to post here - they will still be moderated

Sun. 25/04/09

Early start (7.30)
After a crappy nights sleep - I was warned about that.
Took Happy Pill at 9am - I think I need to work out what time it's going to interfere less - bit of brain confusion and less nausea. Feeling a bit itchy and hot flushes.

Left work at 3pm and went for a drink to absord the lies in the Sunday Mail (a tradition I will need to break). 2 pints of Stella draught (5%) and 2 games of crib (2-0) to me (sorry Matt you taught me too well)

Back to flat - Ade (big hugs to my favoutite ex-flatmate) clearing some of his stuff out - Cleared lounge and kitchen of crap so they just need cleaning.

Back to Matt's - yummy tea - Tuna and loads of veg - plus a hair cut and a couple of laundry loads - plus 2 small cans of Stella (5%). Thank you Matt and Mandy - I really do appreciate it.

The haircut has made a tremendous difference already.

When I was wee boy whenever I was ill my Mum would take me for a haircut.
It would always make me better - I seem to suffer from reverse Samson Syndrome!
Actually my Dad took me for my first haircut - I suspect that the cinefilm still exists - I also suspect that I shat myself on the way home on the bus - MOG do you care to comment?

Back home - should be asleep but my brain won't slow down at the mo - but will resist sleeping pills at Dr's appointment on Thursday - I've seen what they can do to people. So will try a 1:30 freeroll poker game - heck if i'm this sober I may actually win!

BTW if you haven't watched the Reggie Perrin on iPlayer then you really should.

Thanks for kind words - keep speaking to me here and on facebook - it really does make a difference.

Saturday, 25 April 2009

Sat. 25/04/09

Took first happy pill at 12 noon
Little bit of nausea
Quite spaced out
Jaw Clamping

Left work at 6pm
1 pint Stella in the pub
4 cans 4% Stella (which were just as tasty as a 5% can)
Early night - work tomorrow early (7:30am)
Hope it doesn't rain.

An Introduction

Hi my name is poons and I am an alcoholic.

I also suffer from depression and have suicidal tendencies.

I tried to end it all on Monday 20th April 2009 and so I will document the consequences of that action.

The main objective of this blog is to allow my friends and family to keep up with where I am at, and maybe on the way inspire other people who find themselves in a similar situation so that they also make steps to address the issues of alcohol dependency and depression which I have found go arm in arm.

I will endeavour to post daily updates about my progress and details of the help I am receiving with pointers to hopefully help others who wish to get their own life back on track.

For nigh on 15 years I have drunk at least 4 cans of strong lager every night - 7 days a week - plus visits to the pub - plus vodka binges and the occasional 3 bottles of wine nights. This has lead to financial problems, bailed out by very loving parents, loss of friends and a flat that is quite frankly disgusting to the point of being to embarrassed to let my best friends in. (Think 1 year of never recycling and dead take aways - I may post pictures)

At the age of 38 I realise that I am no longer a spoilt teenager. I am a grown man, capable of good work with computers and also capable of starting to love himself again. I also realise that I am loved by my family and my friends - and I will take up your offers of help - no matter who much I will squirm.

There is something about being woken by 2 police officers who have just broken into your home at 3am in the morning that brings that home. If I hadn't posted details of my actions on Facebook then who knows whether I would be here to post this, and so to my niece I say thank you, and one day I'll come and visit - if you'll have me!

I have been advised by my GP to start to cut down my intake of alcohol, and have been prescribed Citalopram to take the edge off the depression. If I'm not dry in 2 weeks then the NHS Alcohol Team will apply medication over 10 days leaving me dry within that time scale. I hope to do it without the medication.

At that point it is my choice. Never drink again, or think I can and get myself back to where I was on Monday - a no brainer I hope. I am addicted to alcohol, I know that and so will do my very best not to drink it again at that point.

A few technical points - comments will be moderated and anonymous comments will not be allowed. The day to day blogging will mostly be units consumed and effect of the medicine to start with.

Finally - I am using my established blogger name because it makes it easier for me to blog. I know many of you know my name, hence this will not be an anonymous blog - but I ask that you keep to my nickname for now.

Thanks for reading this far, and wish me luck.