Wed. 29/04/09

Another busy day sorting out the errant server but starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Feeling a lot better today - little bit of nausea but seems to be dropping off a bit. 1 pint of stella when I got home and I have succumbed to the can in the fridge (4% stella) - early night planned - Doctors at 9am and then got to go to Gloucester.

Had a great chat with Sam (who is a trained psychiatric nurse dealing with people with similar problems) who had given me some pointers for tomorrow - thanks mate.

I saw this a long while ago, but it still makes me giggle...

Tues. 28/04/09

Well posting the website on an online forum I inhabit (b3ta - warning not for those easily offended) produced 182 visitors today, some welcome positive contents both here and on the thread and 2 new followers - all good - the more people watching the less likely I am to stray.

As I said last night - took the happy pill late last night and this seems to the best course of action - felt a bit woozy, still a bit sickly and still getting flushes up until about 10am (I was out of the house by 9am) so I'm going to run with that. Oh I forgot to mention, another side-effect of the medication is anxiety - this has made me jumpy when the phone rings and I am not expecting it which I am finding quite comical as it goes, another one which will pass.

Spent a productive day at work working on the server which was part of the reason I lost it (there is a back story there which I will write up after speaking to the owner), and everybody loves my new hair style.

"Ten years younger" is a phrase been used several times though I'm yet to work out whether they mean I now look 28 or that I looked 48 before then...

Although the group of lads on Sunday afternoon walking up the High Street who pointed and shouted "Look it's Frank_Gallagher" makes me suspect the latter. (see above)

Often known to make a fool out of himself and shirk all responsibility ... When he was rendered completely sober by a new drug, Frank appeared reflective and even quite intelligent, wondering why Sheila would add to her problems by marrying a mess like him.

Quote from Wikipedia that hits home quite a lot.

So todays units - 1 pint Guinness (hour to kill before bus) and 1 pint Stella (met some friends in pub when got back - invited back for Chinese and more beer - declined).

No beer in the house, so some food, a bath, a happy pill and bed seems in order.

Oh and just reading back the introduction - I realised I'd missed a big Thank You to my Sister and her hubby for making the trek down to spend some time on Thursday night last week and coming with me to the Doctor on Friday. It helped loads.

And finally, I ask you all to spare a thought for kittens with drink problems...

Keep commenting - (yes even you Allan ;-) although be warned I still have the pictures from the France school trip) - It does keep my spirits (no, not that sort) up.

Tech post

my posting times are wrong - just off to the settings to fix it

Edit - done - now sleep

Tues. 28/04/09

Okay - I'm still awake so I'm going to try happy pill before I go to bed

I'll let you know later how it went

I hope to be asleep before it kicks in.

Mon. 27/04/09

Well the late night poker went well (112th out of about 2000 players) - won a whole 20c (about 14p) and finally dropped off to sleep - woke around 11 (took happy pill) and did some tidying, and found my phone and £2.30 (bonus!).

Happy pill made me feel sick (again), gave me hot flushes and still leaves me feeling 'disengaged' - It's not an entirely unpleasant feeling but I realised it more when I got to the shop at 5pm. Have also been feeling a bit jumpy (anxiety is a side effect) so whenever the phone rings I jump - this will pass I'm sure.

Went for one at the pub on the way home - general consensus is haircut has taken years off me. Left pub after 2 beers (me bad) - and deposited half of pint down drain on the way to the bus. Maybe link between beer and nausea - so back home after picking up second load of clean clothes from friends' house (cheers M&M). Have beer in the fridge but have not opened it. A good sign.

Full day tommorrow - over at the other job and maybe a PC job Wednesday and Gloucester Thursday to do some work on a server. Oh and I'm doing an interview via e-mail for a UK national computer mag - more details once I know myself (not about this blog but something else I got involved in last year)

So units are dropping - I am considering May 1st as dry day - for several reasons. We will see how it goes over the next 2 days.

And finally (imagine that last bit in the voice of Trevor McDoughnut)
as someone who does battle with computer bugs on a regular basis I give you my nemesis....



Technical Aside : I'm switching off anonymous blocking - I've had messages that people would like to post here - they will still be moderated

Sun. 25/04/09

Early start (7.30)
After a crappy nights sleep - I was warned about that.
Took Happy Pill at 9am - I think I need to work out what time it's going to interfere less - bit of brain confusion and less nausea. Feeling a bit itchy and hot flushes.

Left work at 3pm and went for a drink to absord the lies in the Sunday Mail (a tradition I will need to break). 2 pints of Stella draught (5%) and 2 games of crib (2-0) to me (sorry Matt you taught me too well)

Back to flat - Ade (big hugs to my favoutite ex-flatmate) clearing some of his stuff out - Cleared lounge and kitchen of crap so they just need cleaning.

Back to Matt's - yummy tea - Tuna and loads of veg - plus a hair cut and a couple of laundry loads - plus 2 small cans of Stella (5%). Thank you Matt and Mandy - I really do appreciate it.

The haircut has made a tremendous difference already.

When I was wee boy whenever I was ill my Mum would take me for a haircut.
It would always make me better - I seem to suffer from reverse Samson Syndrome!
Actually my Dad took me for my first haircut - I suspect that the cinefilm still exists - I also suspect that I shat myself on the way home on the bus - MOG do you care to comment?

Back home - should be asleep but my brain won't slow down at the mo - but will resist sleeping pills at Dr's appointment on Thursday - I've seen what they can do to people. So will try a 1:30 freeroll poker game - heck if i'm this sober I may actually win!

BTW if you haven't watched the Reggie Perrin on iPlayer then you really should.

Thanks for kind words - keep speaking to me here and on facebook - it really does make a difference.

Sat. 25/04/09

Took first happy pill at 12 noon
Little bit of nausea
Quite spaced out
Jaw Clamping

Left work at 6pm
1 pint Stella in the pub
4 cans 4% Stella (which were just as tasty as a 5% can)
Early night - work tomorrow early (7:30am)
Hope it doesn't rain.

An Introduction

Hi my name is poons and I am an alcoholic.

I also suffer from depression and have suicidal tendencies.

I tried to end it all on Monday 20th April 2009 and so I will document the consequences of that action.

The main objective of this blog is to allow my friends and family to keep up with where I am at, and maybe on the way inspire other people who find themselves in a similar situation so that they also make steps to address the issues of alcohol dependency and depression which I have found go arm in arm.

I will endeavour to post daily updates about my progress and details of the help I am receiving with pointers to hopefully help others who wish to get their own life back on track.

For nigh on 15 years I have drunk at least 4 cans of strong lager every night - 7 days a week - plus visits to the pub - plus vodka binges and the occasional 3 bottles of wine nights. This has lead to financial problems, bailed out by very loving parents, loss of friends and a flat that is quite frankly disgusting to the point of being to embarrassed to let my best friends in. (Think 1 year of never recycling and dead take aways - I may post pictures)

At the age of 38 I realise that I am no longer a spoilt teenager. I am a grown man, capable of good work with computers and also capable of starting to love himself again. I also realise that I am loved by my family and my friends - and I will take up your offers of help - no matter who much I will squirm.

There is something about being woken by 2 police officers who have just broken into your home at 3am in the morning that brings that home. If I hadn't posted details of my actions on Facebook then who knows whether I would be here to post this, and so to my niece I say thank you, and one day I'll come and visit - if you'll have me!

I have been advised by my GP to start to cut down my intake of alcohol, and have been prescribed Citalopram to take the edge off the depression. If I'm not dry in 2 weeks then the NHS Alcohol Team will apply medication over 10 days leaving me dry within that time scale. I hope to do it without the medication.

At that point it is my choice. Never drink again, or think I can and get myself back to where I was on Monday - a no brainer I hope. I am addicted to alcohol, I know that and so will do my very best not to drink it again at that point.

A few technical points - comments will be moderated and anonymous comments will not be allowed. The day to day blogging will mostly be units consumed and effect of the medicine to start with.

Finally - I am using my established blogger name because it makes it easier for me to blog. I know many of you know my name, hence this will not be an anonymous blog - but I ask that you keep to my nickname for now.

Thanks for reading this far, and wish me luck.